


The Magdalene And The Madonna

by sinnerman



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-01-26
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-15 02:16:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinnerman/pseuds/sinnerman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up famous, saving the world, being in love with the most beautiful Asari in the universe, and losing her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Getting to Ten

**Megastar Randy Charteris Makes Final Break With Hannah Shepard**  
 _Lovechild Lindsay Returns to Space with Heartbroken Hannah_  
[picture removed] Four-year old Lindsay clings to her mother as Randy Charteris storms out of the hospital where Hannah is undergoing treatment for Element Zero exposure. Randy offered to take Lindsay, but the little spitfire refused to go, looking remarkably like her father. Hannah pleaded with him, but Randy - facing pressure from backers and producers - stood firm and left the young military officer and her child to return to his co-star and wife, Yasmine Charteris, and their mutual children.  
Devastated and bereft of the man she loves, Lieutenant Shepard plans to return to service as soon as her treatment is complete. But she won't be left high and dry - Randy settled over five million credits on her, and whatever amount she was given, doubled it for their daughter, Lindsay, for her schooling and any special needs the beautiful little Eezo baby might develop later in life.

"You can't be serious," she sobbed. "This is because of that bitch, isn't it?"  
He smiled, handsome but sad. "That bitch," he said softly, "is still my wife. And the mother of my other children. Hannah, I am so sorry." He knelt down next to the hospital bed, and kissed her hand. "I am so, so sorry. But I can't."  
"Oh, my God," whispered Hannah Shepard. "What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do?" She stared at him. "How am I supposed to live without ever seeing you again?"  
Lindsay stared wide-eyed at her mother, at the tears running down her face. She looked over at her father, kneeling on the floor as if he was praying, still holding her hand, and kissing it softly. She wasn't sure what was going on, and she reached up to kiss her mother on the cheek. Kissing usually made her mother happy.  
"My baby," Hannah choked back a sob. "Oh, my God, what am I going to do?"  
Her father made a soft noise, and it took Lindsay a moment to realize that he was crying, too. Everyone was crying, and she didn't understand why. Her mother held her closer, and her father stood up, putting his arms around both of them.  
"I don't know," Randy groaned. "Hannah, I don't know what to do! I can't do this, I can't!"

 **Galactic Supermodel Yasmine Charteris Hospitalized After Run-in with Hannah Shepard**  
 _Interrupts Photo Shoot to Confront Husband's Flame; Ends Up With Broken Nose_  
It looks like Yasmine will be collecting on some insurance money after her million-credit nose was broken in an altercation with Hannah Shepard, her husband's one indiscretion. You will remember that the handsome Randy made a final break with Hannah a few months ago, but it seems that Yasmine still holds a grudge. A photo shoot for the House of T'ang on the Pai Mārire space station was interrupted by Yasmine's jealous, enraged attack on Hannah, who defended herself, and the supermodel - questionably sober, we must add - fell over a table and broke her famous nose.  
We took the opportunity to have a quick chat with Hannah before she returned to her new ship [name redacted] and we're sure you'll be pleased to hear that Lindsay is in excellent health, doing well in pre-school, and is really enjoying the life of a Spacer baby.

"What the hell? Hold on, just a minute. You! Stop!" Someone ran down the steps, chasing after the young woman in uniform who was pushing a baby stroller past the Promenade.  
Hannah stopped, and looked up in surprise as someone came running towards her, a perfectly proportioned woman, dark skin, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes. She was the perfect Human woman. Hannah Shepard brushed her strawberry-blonde hair out of her eyes, and waited. "Can I help you?"  
"You're Shepard, aren't you?" the stranger said viciously, and looked down at the stroller. "And that's the little brat, isn't it? What are you doing here?" she demanded.  
Hannah stiffened, and met her glare proudly. "Yes, I'm Hannah Shepard. You must be Yasmine. Aren't you supposed to be working?" Hannah glanced back at the set and the photographers, who were all standing around, waiting for their volatile star to return, and at the tabloid recorders, eagerly watching the confrontation.  
"You goddamn whore," Yasmine hissed. "What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in space or something."  
Hannah moved so that she was protecting her baby from the curious crowd, and Yasmine's angry glare. "Excuse me," snarled Hannah quietly so that she couldn't be overheard, "I don't know if you've noticed, but this is a space station. Being in space, I happen to be stationed here. So fuck off, you frigid skank."  
"What?" Her face, normally so beautiful, was contorted with rage. She looked more like a Medusa than a Madonna at the moment, and the flashes from the cameras of paparazzi around her didn't seem to register. Yasmine knew that the woman in front of her was a soldier, but her growing suspicions that her husband had come to this photo shoot with her just to meet up with his lover was too much to take. She moved to strike the interloper, and when the first blow was blocked, she tried again.  
That was just too much for Hannah. It was all she could do not to snap the stupid woman's neck like a twig. Instead, she twisted the supermodel's arms away, and gave her a good shove back towards the set where she was supposed to be working. "Will you get out of here and stop embarrassing yourself?" snapped Hannah.  
Yasmine staggered in the direction that she had been pushed, then turned back towards Hannah. "You bitch!" she screamed. She took a step forward, not realizing that the Alliance soldier had broken the heel of her shoe, and she toppled over, hitting a table on the way down with a horrified scream.  
Hannah ignored the holocams and the reporters, and knelt down to check on her daughter.  
"She was bad, Mommy! What a bad girl!"  
Hannah laughed. "Yes, baby, she was a very bad girl." She kissed her daughter's forehead. "Don't you worry about her, she won't bother us anymore!"

 **Luc Chanel Asks Hannah and Lindsay Shepard to Model**  
 _New 'Mother/Daughter' Line for Chanel; Old Controversy with Former Model Yasmine Charteris_  
Not content with firing Yasmine Charteris for her outspoken criticism of Luc Chanel's pro-military political stance, the House of Chanel has added insult to injury by getting a new face for the upcoming "Mere/Fille" line - Lieutenant Hannah Shepard, and her daughter with Randy Charteris, Lindsay Shepard. Baby Lindsay's first question was to make sure she wouldn't miss any classes if she did this, and Luc, clearly charmed by the little girl, assured her that the shoot wouldn't interfere with her kindergarten schedule.  
Hannah has submitted the request to her superiors to make sure it is permitted, but we're willing to bet that Luc "Build more warships, dammit!" Chanel's request will be approved. We look forward to seeing the new Winter line.

"You know, I was trying to stay out of the public eye," Hannah grumbled, and tossed the letterpad on the table.  
Lindsay looked up curiously at the noise, but continued playing with her coloring books and crayons. She was going to be starting school soon, and wanted to make sure that she had all the letters memorized. Sometimes, they moved around when she wasn't looking.  
"Oh, do it," Chris laughed. Lindsay usually called him "Friend Chris," because her mother kept introducing him as "My friend, Chris," and the little girl had merged the words into a name.  
"What? Why?" Hannah glared at him, but smiled. "You don't like models."  
"No," Chris laughed. "But I would love to get up close and personal with Luc Chanel. Is he as hot in person as he is on screen?"  
"You pervert," Hannah laughed. She flung herself on the couch next to her best friend. "Don't talk like that in front of Lindsay. That little pitcher has big ears."  
Lindsay looked around in confusion. What pitcher was her mother talking about?  
"Noted," Chris grinned. "Still, if you get to go to dinner with Luc, you're taking me, or I'll cry."  
Hannah laughed. "Deal." She looked at him curiously. "What do you think of Randy?"  
"Randy? Charteris? This is a trick question, right? Because he doesn't swing that way."  
"I'm just asking," smiled Hannah. "Do you think he's hot?"  
"He could make a het man flame, Hannah. He's that hot."  
"Huh."  
"What?" Chris looked curiously at her. "What are you doing?"  
"Just thinking," said Hannah innocently.  
"About what?" Chris demanded.  
"About how much easier my life would be if I were married."

 **Fashion Week Surprise: Hannah Shepard Getting Married to Fellow Officer**  
 _Randy Charteris: "No comment."_  
In the midst of all the glitter and froth at this year's Fashion Week on Terra Nova, Hannah Shepard has stolen the spotlight again. It appears that after a two-year courtship, Hannah has finally accepted the hand of her fellow officer, [name redacted]. Lieutenant Shepard will be keeping her own name - and a big fat payout from Randy Charteris. The star insisted that the money was hers, and that he wished her the best, saying only, "She deserves to be happy." His wife Yasmine had more to say, none of it printable. Asked if Yasmine still felt threatened by Hannah's former relationship with her husband, the supermodel scoffed and claimed that Shepard was nothing more than a passing fling, and insisted that Shepard was the one who was still clinging to Randy "like some horrible ivy weed thing."  
Yasmine, who is walking for the Russian conglomerate, including T'ang, Noble, and Zaitsev, has recently suggested that Randy should close the trust fund that he set up for Hannah Shepard, even going so far as to claim that Lindsay Shepard wasn't his child. Gracious as always, Hannah Shepard refused to respond to any negative press, focusing instead on her upcoming military wedding. Little Lindsay was a bit more outspoken, calling Yasmine a "lunatic" and suggesting that the supermodel "just get over it, already." Lindsay is still the "little girl" of the House of Chanel, and will be on the walk later this week for the new "Embraced" line of children's clothing and protective gear, even as her mother tries to retire from the public eye.

"I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner," laughed Hannah, as Randy pulled her down to the couch, covering her with wild, passionate kisses.  
"Neither do I," laughed Chris, and came closer for his share of kisses from Hannah and Randy. "Would have made your life so much easier for the last two years." He moaned softly at Randy's gentle touch, and lay down next to Hannah.  
"Is the baby asleep?" asked Randy.  
"Yes, she is," smiled Hannah. "She's not a baby anymore, by the way."  
Chris laughed. "Not by a longshot. She looks like you, and acts like you, too. It's really funny."  
"What do you mean?" grinned Randy. He leaned back and looked at the two lying on the couch.  
"She's so confident and she has such poise," smiled Hannah. "She completely copies the way you act in front of the camera."  
Randy smiled at Hannah. "When she's with me, she acts just like you. She's very quiet, and likes to sneak up on people."  
"Oh, that's not me," Hannah laughed joyously. "She got that from Chris."  
"Well, wherever she got it from, it's adorable and I love it." He leaned over to kiss them both. "She's a beautiful child."  
Lindsay decided they weren't going to talk anymore, and snuck back upstairs, leaving them to their grown-up kissing.

 **Ahmed Charteris Shocks With "Gang Life" Photoessay**  
 _"Secret Model" Not So Secret Anymore!_  
Everyone has been stunned and amazed by Ahmed's first foray into the world of photojournalism: the amazing exposé of life in Earth's gangs. Everyone at the gallery opening wondered who his innocent-eyed model was, the sweet little scared face in every one of Ahmed's breathtaking and terrifying pictures. Someone finally scanned the face and changed the eye color - and realized it's his half-sister, Lindsay Shepard! She is supposed to be on her summer vacation, visiting her Shepard grandparents on Eden Prime! Hannah Shepard couldn't be reached for comment, and the Shepards refused to talk to the press, saying only that Lindsay was doing her schoolwork and 'normal' summer activities when we stopped by. Right!  
Ahmed refused to talk about his model, focusing instead on the gang problem on Earth and the trouble he'd had getting his equipment around. "If it hadn't been for the mercenaries, we would have been robbed on every street corner." No kidding! And you brought your little sister to that! At any rate, he's probably going to win a few awards for "Gang Life" so maybe we'll see Little Lindsay at some ceremonies this year. If she's not too busy with school!

"Wow! What kind of ammo is that?"  
The Blue Suns mercenary looked down at the little girl. "You don't ever get tired of talking about guns, do you?"  
She laughed. "I love guns! My daddy says he's going to retire from the military and start his own merc group someday, just so we can have a huge armory!"  
The mercenary laughed. "Most seven year old girls want a dollhouse, not an armory." He opened the ammo capsule and watched her look over his questionably legal collection. She knew what she was doing. She was careful, and handled the chemical rounds respectfully, but fearlessly. "I'd give you one, but your dad would probably kill me."  
She giggled, and went back to examining the new Armax assault rifle the mercenary was carrying. "Wow."  
"Yeah, those Turians really do know how to make weapons. But don't worry, little girl, by the time you're old enough to carry one, we'll have caught up to them."  
"Okay, Lin, if you're done drooling over the guns?" Ahmed grinned down at his model.  
"Are we ready?" She bounced around. "Let's go!"  
The mercenaries went back to patrolling the set and keeping an eye on the gang members, enforcing the uneasy truce. Lindsay checked her outline, and quickly ran over her scenes.  
While everyone was getting set up, Ahmed looked over at the doctor and the tutor who had come along to watch over Lindsay. It was part of his agreement with her parents, that she continue her lessons and have access to constant medical care, just in case. But he didn't trust them. They pretended that they had never met before, but a life behind the lens had taught Ahmed how to read body language to a degree that most people never match. They knew each other. They had worked together before, long enough so that they knew each other's habits. And they were watching Lindsay.  
Ahmed started recording and taking pictures, directing the gang members, and using the cameras to snap the occasional shot of the doctor and the tutor.  
One of the mercenaries that he had hired came up to talk to him. "Hey, those two you were asking about? They're clean. Well, kinda."  
"Kinda?" asked Ahmed. "What the hell does that mean?"  
"They're not kidnappers. They're - legitimately - interested in your little sister."  
"Am I going to have to shoot you to make you make any sense?"  
The mercenary laughed. "You've never heard of the organization they work for. They're not going to kidnap her. They're just interested in her."  
"What organization?" Ahmed demanded. He knew that no one could overhear his conversation with the mercenary, not with all the noise of the cameras and equipment, and the bustle of the downtown area where they were filming.  
"Look, they're cool, okay? Just leave it at that. We're all on the same side, here. Trust me, boss."  
Ahmed shook his head and glanced over at the doctor one more time, then resolutely turned back to his shoot. The mercenary walked away. He leaned over his camera, and realized that Lindsay had been watching him, curious as always. He looked up and smiled reassuringly at her.  
She smiled back at him.  
Ahmed shook his head. "She reads lips, doesn't she? Shit."  
Lindsay laughed at him through the camera, and went back to work.

 **Ahmed Charteris Unveils New Pictures: "Fatherhood"**  
 _Randy and Lindsay in Pictures, Yasmine in Shock_  
The Estrella Gallery opened their new exhibit today, and Yasmine Charteris stormed out in hysterics. Ahmed's subject - another one of his totally top secret projects - turned out to be "Fatherhood," and featured about twenty shots of Little Lindsay and her father, Randy Charteris (!) out and about in perfectly normal off-the-rack clothes, doing perfectly normal things as if he wasn't a galactic megastar. Everyone was enthralled by the beautiful pictures of father and daughter - everyone except Yasmine Charteris, of course! She's never forgiven Randy's little indiscretion with the military advisor for the recording of "Uncontacted," the mega-successful romantic war thriller suspense holovid. How Randy and Hannah escaped our scrutiny during the recording is still a mystery to us, as is the horrible Eezo accident that happened on the set, and cemented Hannah in Randy's affections as she risked her life to save his. So romantic.  
"Fatherhood" will be on display at The Estrella until the end of the year. Expect more awards for Ahmed for this amazing presentation.

Lindsay posed with her half-sister, April, hugging her while Ahmed took a quick picture. April kissed her on the cheek, then ran off to chatter excitedly with their father. "This is kinda weird," Lindsay admitted, in answer to Ahmed's unspoken question. "Do you think she'll come back?"  
Ahmed shook his head. "Not dramatic enough. Maybe if your mother was here, but fighting with you is no fun, and she never wins fights with Randy."  
Lindsay grinned. "I'm gonna learn how to do that, someday."  
Valery, April's twin, ran up to her. "Hey! Come here, Lin, this guy from PDN wants to see you dance!"  
"Wha?" She let Val drag her away, pretending that she was fighting the pull of a leash.  
Randy watched the two kids ham it up for the representative from PDN, the children's movie conglomerate, while April went back to talk to Ahmed.  
"April doesn't like to be in the public eye, I take it?" The speaker was a stranger, and he smelled faintly of cigarette smoke.  
Randy didn't recognize him at all. The man was about the same age as Randy, average height, average appearance, dressed more like a lawyer than a producer. "She's quiet. More like I wish I could be." He held out his hand. "Randy."  
"John. Pleased to meet you."  
"You don't happen to have another cigarette, do you?"  
John laughed. "No, I knew there were going to be children present, so I didn't bring any extras."  
"Damn." Randy laughed. "I guess I'm still quitting, then. Enjoying the show?"  
"Yes, the pictures are amazing. You must be very proud of your children, Mr. Charteris."  
"I am," Randy agreed.  
"They're very beautiful children. You have excellent genes." He looked at one of the shots of Lindsay, smiling up at her father. "She's extremely intelligent, as well."  
Randy grinned. "She's a lot smarter than she ought to be, at her age."  
"She's eight this year, yes?"  
"Yes," Randy agreed. He looked over at his son and daughter, who had their impromptu audience in stitches. "What are those two doing?"  
"I'm going to be leaving shortly," said the man quietly. "I might run into Yasmine. Would you mind?"  
Randy glanced at the man's tailored suit, leather shoes, silk pocket square. The fact that he smoked was proof enough that he was wealthy, and he clearly had enough taste to keep Yasmine distracted. "Not at all. Please, help yourself. Just don't get me into trouble with my producers."  
John smiled. "Of course not, Mr. Charteris. I'll do my best. Incidentally," he smiled politely, "I hear that the SSV San Marino will be docking for emergency repairs in the coming week."  
"What?" Randy stared. "How do you - "  
"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Charteris. I'm just a friend. It looks like your children have something to tell you." John picked up a glass of champagne, and slowly walked away while Val and Lindsay rushed up to their father with their news.

 **Burglary at Charteris Estate Reveals Randy's Infidelity!**  
 _Yasmine Moves Out, Goes to Amaterasu_  
The Spitters – a gang of home invaders known for their daring and violent burglaries in the upscale Wharton neighborhood – got an unpleasant surprise when they tried to break into the Charteris estate this weekend. No one was supposed to be home – the three Charteris kids are in school, Ahmed is working on a documentary on the Hanar, Yasmine is on a Noble shoot on Luna, and Randy was supposed to be on Hollywood IV, reading scripts with his producers. Instead of an empty house, the home invaders saw a light on in the master bedroom and went to investigate, only to find themselves on the receiving end of a barrage of military grade bullets! When they tried to run for the door, they were stopped by someone else who beat them soundly. Of the five invaders who entered, only one survived long enough to be arrested, and later died of his injuries at the hospital.  
I'm sure Randy is very glad that he just happened to have two military officers over at his house that night. Yes, you read that right: Two. One male and one female, both half-naked – verified by the police officers who first arrived on the scene. Who could it possibly be, we wonder? No, we don't. Yasmine's reaction when she heard the news – yelling, screaming, throwing things at Randy, packing up all her stuff and moving to Amaterasu to be close to her kids – totally gives it away. Lieutenant Shepard, predictably, is unavailable for comment, as is her husband. Or possibly their omni-tools are still with their clothes upstairs at the Charteris estate!

Lindsay ran off with the ice cream, and sat down with Val and April to start making a huge sundae. Randy walked slowly back to where Hannah and Chris were sitting, and tried to ignore the paparazzi just outside the ice cream parlor.  
"Great, there's another one I have to pay off."  
"I am so sorry," said Chris again. "I shouldn't have killed them."  
"Yes, you should have," said Hannah sharply. "They would have killed him if we hadn't been there."  
"Yeah," Chris sighed. He smiled wryly. "I get what you mean about trying to stay out of the public eye, Hannah. Those guys don't let up, do they?"  
Hannah laughed, and took Chris' hand. "Don't worry about it. They can take all the pictures they want to, the blackout will kick in."  
Randy shook his head. "Sometimes, I wish I really was just a boring, ordinary guy."  
"Yeah, but then you wouldn't be dating two hot military officers," Hannah pointed out.  
"Well, not at the same time," Randy agreed with a wicked grin. He sat down, and took a sip from Chris' soda.  
"Hey! That was mine. Wait, this one is mine. Is it?" Hannah looked at the glasses on the table, then up at Randy. "You didn't order your own drink!"  
Randy clapped his hands to his face in pretended shock. "Oh, noes! Now you haz mah germs!"  
"Ugh, you got that from Lin, didn't you?" said Hannah in despair. "That's unbelievably annoying."  
Randy laughed. "No, annoying is not being able to kiss you because I know there are three reporters watching us."  
"Four," muttered Chris.  
Lindsay flicked her fingers, correcting him.  
"Five, actually, and Lindsay, stop eavesdropping."  
"What?" Hannah turned around and tried to glare at her daughter, but ended up laughing instead as she checked the area, and realized that Lindsay was right. "Yeah, there really are that many. I'm not sure if they're all reporters though. One of them looks official."  
"Official?" asked Randy.  
"To make sure the others don't try to secretly publish anything they shouldn't."  
"I have a question," said Chris slowly. "So, Yasmine is gone? Forever, or, what? I'm confused."  
"Oh, she'll be back," Randy sighed. "Our reconciliations make good press."  
"Oh."  
"I didn't even know you had a place on Amaterasu," said Hannah. "Was that from your early lovey-dovey days?"  
Randy grinned. "I don't have a place on Amaterasu. She's staying with a friend."  
"A friend?" Chris looked at him.  
"Yeah," said Randy, "a friend. Someone who understands her." He smiled to himself, and took another sip from Chris' drink.  
"Oh, really?" Hannah stared at him. "Are you serious?"  
Randy nodded. "She won't get caught, though. I always play the bad guy in this story."  
"I thought I hated her before," said Hannah.  
Randy laughed. "You're a vicious woman, Shepard. Don't worry about it. It's all in good fun."  
"So," Chris played with his fries, "when are you going to make up with her?"  
Randy shrugged. "I don't plan to. If she gets bored of her friend and wants to come home, I guess, but she has Stephanie to amuse her, and a year's worth of work lined up. I think I have some time." Randy helped himself to a tomato from Hannah's salad.  
"You don't even like her," said Chris softly. "Why did you ever marry her?"  
"Married stars make more money." Randy grinned. "I like our kids, though."  
"You have four kids with her, and you hate her guts."  
"What can I say, the make-up sex was awesome. Chris." Randy looked at him. "Stop being jealous of my wife, okay? People only linger around waiting for true love in the movies. Not in real life. Besides," he smiled wryly, "how was I supposed to know it would take two people to keep me faithful?"

 **Little Lindsay's First Holovid: Record-breaking Success!**  
 _Three Year Contract With PDN Studios Signed_  
Little Lindsay has made a huge smash, starring opposite her half-brother Val Charteris as children left behind when a colony is evacuated in the children's alien adventure action comedy musical "Suddenly Saturday" with their shared father, Randy Charteris, providing a hysterically funny cameo appearance as Captain Blunderthighs. The movie has broken all opening day records for a children's movie, finally knocking "Toy Story 34" from the top spot. Her charming smile lit up the screen, and her infectious laugh can be heard all the way to the bank, with her new three year contract with PDN in hand. The next vehicle for Lindsay will probably be another comedy musical, possibly the AI fantasy "The Secret Life of Telephones," while her brother Val has been signed to the tween romantic alien adventure comedy "Blue Bored."  
Randy's new holovid, the romantic survival horror murder mystery "Bamboo Garden" has also been an incredible success, proving that he still has star power, despite the scandals and issues plaguing his personal life. Speaking of Randy's scandals, sources have verified that it was Hannah Shepard that he was seen shopping with last week. Randy insists that it was just because of the recording for "Suddenly Saturday," but our sources verified that the pair was shopping for presents for a male. And we all know that mysterious "other man" is, don't we? Oh, yes we do. And so does Yasmine, who is still separated from Randy despite all his attempts at reconciliation.

Lindsay stared at the alien girl again. She was blue. A very beautiful, amazing shade of blue that just seemed to draw her eyes. She was called Nina, and she had lovely white face markings, and her voice made Lindsay want to sit and listen to her forever.  
Val grinned at his co-star, and they started their scene rehearsal over again.  
April sat down next to her. "What are you doing, Lin?"  
"Just watching." Lindsay forced herself to look at April. "What's up?"  
"Nothin'. Chris and Randy are making out in their room, and Hannah is ordering Indian food because she's too lazy to cook, but she says it's because Adora is distracting her." She gestured to the kitchen, where Hannah and Nina's mother were drinking beer and trading war stories.  
Lindsay laughed. "Why don't you cook something?"  
April shrugged. "I'm lazy, too. Besides, now I want pappadums." She giggled, and watched her brother going over his lines with the alien girl. "I dunno, I'm still not sure if I like her."  
"Not sure?" asked Lindsay in surprise. "What's not to like? I mean, she's blue!"  
April giggled again. "You're so weird sometimes! She's an alien! Besides, she's so girly."  
"What's wrong with being girly?" Lindsay asked.  
"Nothing, I just don't have anything to talk to her about. All she does is go on about how cute Val is."  
"Oh, well, Val is cute. Obviously, she would like him."  
"Boring," April proclaimed. "I know he's cute. I've seen him." She looked at Lindsay. "You think she's cute."  
"Well, yeah, for a blue alien chick."  
April laughed. "Nah, give me a Human boy. I don't like the aliens. Want to see my newest design?"  
"Sure." She followed April to her studio, and didn't look at Nina again.

 **Little Lindsay Breaks The Bank At Nuevo Monte Carlo!**  
 _Unbelievable Jackpot!_  
At the premiere of her latest smash hit, the star-studded teenage alien horror ghost story suspense thriller "Underjoyed," featuring Little Lindsay as the ghost of a murdered girl at the heart of the twisted four-hour long story, the cast gathered in the Philharmonica Casino for pictures, dinner, and a show. Wandering through the casino, Lindsay apparently decided to play a few games, and ended up at a blackjack table. Three hands later, Lindsay ended up with the casino's piggy bank. That's right, she won every game she played (!) and wiped out the table. Not bad for someone who's got less than a decade of blackjack experience!  
The casino initially invalidated her wins, as she is underage (just a tad!), but when she began to cry, they quickly relented - and actually gave her a sterling silver piggy bank, filled with about 375,000 credits - in gold coins! How cute! Little Lindsay's lawyers worked out the rest with the casino, and everybody's happy. Including the casino, as the tables are now off-limits to the little maverick until she is eighteen.

"Chris!"  
"I'm sorry, the troublemaker you have dialed is not available for being chastised at this time. Please try your lecture again later." Chris didn't look up from the game he was playing.  
Hannah flopped down on the couch next to him. "Chris, do not teach her any more bad habits. She has enough."  
"Technically, I didn't teach her anything. She just picked it up." He paused the game. "Hannah, she didn't tell me she was going to a casino. She just said she wanted to know how to win at blackjack."  
"Why do you even know that?"  
"Yeah, I'm from Earth, remember? Where criminals come from? How do you think I got into the military?" he said bitterly.  
Hannah hugged him. "Chris! You're not a criminal, just morally challenged." She kissed him on the cheek. "Randy hasn't stopped laughing, by the way. If you want to see him fall over, just say 'piggy bank.' He's really hopeless." She kissed him again. "You both are."  
"But you like us that way," he grinned. "So, it's safe, right? You're not mad?"  
"No," sighed Hannah.  
"Okay, Pumpkin, you can come out now."  
"Hi, Mom!"  
Hannah pulled Lindsay out from where she was hiding behind the couch, and drew her into her lap. "You are nothing but trouble, Little Lindsay!" Her admonishment was wasted, as she followed up the stern voice with a hug and a laughing kiss.  
"It was pretty funny, wasn't it, Mom?"  
"Yes, Lin, it was really damn funny."  
"How did Yasmine take being overshadowed?" asked Chris.  
"Oh, she was livid, of course. As usual." Hannah sighed. "Her agents called Lin's agents to protest, and Randy slapped them down."  
"I have this recurring nightmare," grinned Chris as he continued playing his game. "One day, I wake up and realize that Randy isn't a god."

 **Stephanie's Scandalous Stories Stir Shepards!**  
 _Book Publication Quashed; All Copies Purged From Extranet!_  
Stephanie Charteris' scandal-filled tell-all has been pulled from publication thanks to the Alliance brass pulling the old "security" chestnut. The two excerpts, claiming that Ahmed and Lindsay had an "unspeakable" relationship and that Hannah's husband is a woman, have both been completely expurgated from the extranet, at the publisher's expense. Stephanie raged on early morning talk shows, telling everyone how her mother's house had been raided and all of Stephanie's computers and files seized. "This is just one more attack on my mother!" cried Stephanie, completely skipping over the part where she was slandering Hannah and Lindsay Shepard. The sheer cruelty of Stephanie's original release date - Lindsay's birthday - isn't very endearing, either. Stephanie has now been added to the gag order controlling Yasmine's ability to talk to the press, so we can't ask how she feels about it.  
We did ask ten-year-old Lindsay how she felt: "Best birthday ever!" she quipped. Whether she was referring to the skiing/sledding party that her parents had set up for her and her forty best friends at Mount Kilimanjaro, or the end of Stephanie's aspirations as a writer, we're not sure.

A hotel waiter walked over to the pool, and handed her a comm unit. "You have a call, Mrs. Charteris."  
"Hello, this is Yasmine." The beautiful woman had a voice to match, and one could hear the smile in her voice. "Who is this?"  
"This is Lindsay."  
"Lindsay?" Yasmine was genuinely surprised. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be in school, sweetie?"  
"You put Steph up to this. You make her take it off." For a girl about to turn ten, she sounded very determined. Very angry.  
"Oh, come now, dear, it's just a game. Don't be angry. All press is good press," she laughed. Yasmine looked up in surprise as John took the comm unit away from her.  
"You're very angry, little girl. I understand. Tell me what you want."  
"Who are you?"  
"John, what are you doing?"  
He waved her back to her seat, and walked away with the comm unit. "Lindsay, I don't want you to make a very big mistake. You have a lot of promise. I don't want that to be lost."  
"Make her take it off."  
John pulled a datapad out of his pocket, and started sending commands. "Lindsay, by the time you get downstairs again, it will be gone. Every copy from the extranet will be gone, and no one will ever mention it again. I'm sure some people have read it, but they'll all forget, because they won't be able to discuss it. It will be like it never happened."  
There was no answer, but he could hear her breathing on the other end of the line. He turned around, and saw what Yasmine didn't: the steady red dot, unmoving, just over her heart.  
"Lindsay, put it down. What do you want?"  
"She'll just do it again. My mom is crying her eyes out right now."  
"She won't do it again, Lindsay. I promise."  
"Why are you standing out of range?"  
"I really dislike being shot," he said quietly, with a quick flash of humor. "Also, this suit was quite expensive. I'll have Stephanie added to the gag order that keeps her from talking to or about you or your mother. Will that be okay?"  
"I don't know."  
"Well, call her and ask. I can wait." He beckoned a waiter over, and ordered a drink.  
"John, what are you doing?" Yasmine repeated. She stood up, her curvaceous body glistening with water from the pool. The red dot, still invisible to her, tracked her every movement.  
"I am soothing an angry little girl. Later on, I'll be soothing an angry woman. Please, sit down." He gestured to the chair, and Yasmine sat down again, still confused, still completely in Lindsay's sights. "Are you still there?"  
"I'm still here," Lindsay answered. "I'm waiting for my mom to finish panicking and answer my question."  
He chuckled. "I'm curious, what did you do to Stephanie?"  
"Nothing," she answered quickly.  
"Lindsay."  
"I didn't! Chris did something to her car, though."  
John made a noise of exasperation.  
"My mom says she knows who you are."  
The man raised an eyebrow. "Did she, now."  
"She says you like dogs." The little girl's voice was confused, but the dot on Yasmine's chest never wavered.  
The man swore under his breath. "Your mother is very nosy. Does she accept the offer?"  
The dot finally disappeared. "She says it's fine. She says you can be trusted to keep your word."  
"I'm glad to hear that."  
"I can still kill you," said Lindsay, with an unnatural calm. "And her. Just so you know."  
"I don't doubt you," he smiled, "but there's no need for that. I promise, I'll keep her away from you and your mother for as long as you like."  
"Forever."  
The man laughed. "Go calm your mother down, Lindsay. Enjoy your birthday party. Leave this to me."  
Stephanie came running out of the hotel. "Mom! Mom! There are cops everywhere, and they're taking all of my stuff!"  
"What?" Yasmine shot to her feet. "What's going on?" She ran up to her daughter.  
John disconnected the call, and handed the comm unit back to one of the hotel staff before leisurely following her back into the hotel.


	2. Getting in Trouble

**Little Lindsay and Darling Nina Injured On Set!**  
 _Minor accident causes major problems!_  
A minor mishap on the set of "Blue Bored Ball," the new teen-tween romantic alien adventure buddy comedy starring Val Charteris, Nina Minermos, and Lindsay Shepard, has left Val without any valentines. Apparently, part of a set collapsed, dropping Lindsay and Nina into the water below! Lindsay apparently pulled her little blue friend out of the water, after which the two were rushed off to the hospital, and are said to be in stable condition. Not so the film, which is on indefinite hold while the accident is being investigated.  
In other news, Yasmine Charteris, erstwhile mother of Val, is reportedly making overtures to her estranged husband. Being single on Amaterasu gets boring after a while, yes? Here's to hoping Randy realizes what he's missing without Yasmine – NOTHING!

Adora grinned as she watched Lindsay, Val, Nina, April, and Randy shamble around the set, pretending to be conga-dancing zombies. The technicians finished setting up the lights for the next scene, and she clapped to get their attention. "Back to work, you crazy kids."  
"What does a zombie plumber say?" quipped Randy.  
"DRAAAAAAAAAAINS," said the four children in a perfect zombie chorus.  
Adora tried not to laugh, but the other producers started laughing, and she couldn't help it. "Will you guys knock it off?" She waved to them. "Get back over here."  
"All right, all right," Randy pretended to grumble, and started herding them back, making barking noises in perfect imitation of a sheepdog.  
Giggling and laughing, they started back. Adora smiled, then a strange noise caught her attention, and she looked up. Part of the soundstage was collapsing. She barely had time to scream, before the whole thing came down. Val grabbed his sister, and pulled her out of the way just in time. Randy tried to reach Lindsay, but the crash knocked him from his feet and sent Lindsay and Nina flying. Nina, screaming, slipped and fell into the water below. Adora screamed in horror, and rushed to the railing, trying to find her. She heard someone running behind her, and stared in shock as Lindsay, a life preserver in her little hands, neatly dove into the water below.  
"Lindsay!" Randy stared helplessly into the water after her. Val and April joined him, holding each other in terror.  
Lindsay swam easily over to the struggling young Asari, and held her still while she put the life preserver on her. "You're not that alien," she laughed quietly. "At least, you panic just like anybody else would."  
Nina clung to her, terrified by the raging water, and the knowledge that they were slowly drifting away. "I think it's just an organic thing. You know, being out of your natural element," she whimpered. She clung tightly to Lindsay, amazed at how calm the little girl was.  
"Okay, lie on your back. I'm going to tow you."  
"Don't let me go," Nina begged, and Lindsay patted her hand comfortingly.  
"Trust me," Lindsay smiled. "It won't be for long anyway, the rescue team is putting out a launch now. I just want to get a little closer." She fought the current for a bit, then treaded water with Nina until the launch came up. She handed Nina to them, and watched them help her aboard. "Can I get a hand?" she grinned, pretending that her arm wasn't insanely painful. "I'm missing one."  
Nina cried out. "You didn't say anything!"  
One of the lifeguards dove in, and helped her out of the water so that she didn't have to move the broken arm any more than was necessary.  
Lindsay blushed, and tried to make a joke about it, but Nina wouldn't stop looking at her, and Lindsay felt her voice dying away. They set her arm, and gave her something that made her tired, so she sat down in the middle of the little boat. Nina knelt down next to her, gently cuddling Lindsay as if she was a precious doll. The last thing Lindsay remembered was a very cold, unhappy look on Adora's face as Randy lifted her out of the boat.

 **Darling Nina bails on "Blue Bored Ball"!**  
 _The blue girl goes home! Val said to be devastated!_  
After the third mysterious accident on the set, Darling Nina has been whisked away by her adoring mother to a slightly less perilous locale. Generous as always, Randy Charteris talked PDN into letting her out of her contract, and Val will instead be starring in an as-yet-untitled musical biopic romance drama based on the young life of Diego Estefan, the 21st Century singer, songwriter, and feminine Pied Piper. Val seemed devastated at Nina's departure, and we suspect there was a loving good-bye kiss somewhere where the cameras couldn't see.  
Meanwhile, Little Lindsay is out of a job, and seems overjoyed. Rumor has it she's going back to school for a year while PDN works out a new vehicle for her stunning talents. We asked her to confirm that she was coming back, and she responded: "Only if I get straight A's!"

Lindsay held up the rifle, so that Chris could check the numbers the targeting system was reporting again. "Chris?"  
"Yes, Pumpkin?"  
"Howcome they sent Nina away? Was it something I did?" she asked nervously.  
Chris grinned, and shook his head. "No, Pumpkin, the problem is what you are. You're a Human, you're beautiful, and you're utterly exceptional."  
Lindsay blinked. "I don't get it."  
"You're pretty much everything an Asari wants in a mate. Only you're ten."  
"Eleven."  
Chris checked his omni-tool. "Not for another four hours." He readjusted his HUD, and checked the scope again. "Not that it matters, you're still too young to start mind-melding with an Asari."  
"What?"  
"You know I'm not going to explain, right? After the words 'you're too young,' nothing else matters."  
"I'm supposed to be too young to go around shooting people, too," Lindsay protested, "but you let me get away with that."  
"Hey, if it were up to me, I'd let you get your freak on with the blue chick. But your mother and her mother think you're too young. So you're too young. Let me point out, though, that I'm morally challenged, so maybe you should take your mother's advice on this one."  
"But your advice lets me hang out with Nina."  
Chris grinned. "True. Sadly, your mother already bullied me into keeping you here so you won't chase after her." Chris pulled out a slim, black weapons case, and slid it across the table to her. "Here."  
Lindsay looked down at it. There was a timer lock on it, and it still had three hours and fifty-seven minutes to go. "You're a real jerk, Chris."  
He laughed. "You can try to open it," he teased. "Maybe you'll beat my security."

 **Little Lindsay Shows Off A New Talent!**  
 _Val and Lindsay Rock the Premiere of "Show Off"_  
Val Charteris, dressed as Diego Estefan and playing all his own instruments, rocked the stage with a stellar performance of two of the songs from his new holovid, proving beyond all doubt that he really does take his job seriously. He then proceeded to blow our minds by bringing out his half-sister, Lindsay Shepard, dressed as Roćio Rhett, for a stunning recreation of the famous guitar duet, "It Burns Me (When You Lie)." Is there anything the little prodigy can't do?  
Meanwhile, Yasmine Charteris missed a Noble House shoot, prompting concerns for her well-being, and it was noted that Randy left the premiere early, leaving Ahmed to escort the kids home. We hope everything is okay with Yasmine!

"It's just for a few months," Randy explained. Chris continued to stare out the window without answering, and Hannah just glared at him. "You guys will be on tour anyway. By the time you get back, it'll be over again."  
"I hate it," said Chris finally. Lindsay, from her position on the stairs, could see that he was crying, but Randy couldn't see his face.  
"You don't think I want to do this, do you? It's money, it's business. We have a contract. That's all."  
Chris wiped his face, and didn't say anything.  
"You just can't live without being in the spotlight, can you?" said Hannah bitterly. "Fine, go ahead. We'll wait."  
Randy snarled. "Look at me! What the hell else can I do? Even if I quit now, gave it all up, I'd still be talked about and stared at. I can't retire. I can't change who I am. "  
Hannah walked over to Chris, and put her arms around him. "You okay?" Chris put his hand over hers, and continued to stare out the window at the stars.  
"Goddammit!" Randy shouted. "Don't you dare, don't you dare act like I want this! This isn’t my fucking fault! What the hell am I supposed to do?" Lindsay watched him in fascination as he suddenly turned and started walking away. "Fine, I get it, I'm leaving," he said angrily, his voice raw with pain. Then, so softly she could barely hear him, "We're over, aren't we?"  
She watched Chris and Hannah start as his words registered in their minds.  
"No," Chris cried out desperately. He ran, past Randy, put his back to the door, blocking it. Hannah, working flawlessly with her partner and teammate, grabbed Randy from behind, sank to her knees sobbing.  
"You can't expect us not to be angry," Hannah sobbed. "I'm sorry for yelling, but this hurts, dammit."  
"How do you think I feel?" Randy demanded. "You two will have each other, I will have nothing!"  
Chris threw himself at Randy, "I'm sorry! Please, Randy, please," he kissed him, and they all sank to the floor.  
Lindsay shook her head. Randy was the one who should have apologized for what he was about to do, but he had tricked Chris and Hannah into feeling guilty instead. She slipped away so that they could have some privacy, and snuck back into her room. Randy was very good with people. She wondered if he would make Yasmine fall in love with him again, before he left her.  
Lindsay replayed the conversation in her head, focusing on Randy's words and actions, then put her headphones on and went back to studying.

 **Reunited at last!**  
 _Randy relents, Yasmine is home again!_  
Our favorite lovebirds are together again after years of separation. We always knew this day would come – after all, Randy had never invoked the dreaded "divorce" clause of the Charteris contract. "Randy has promised not to see her again," Yasmine explained. "And I've promised to stay with him. As long as we both keep our promises, we'll be fine." Yasmine's even unbent enough to accept Little Lindsay as a member of the family, a decision that was probably prompted by the fact that Randy, Val and Lindsay are all going to be on the set recording their new holovid, "Thriller XIV." Val gets to play a teen possessed by a demonic guitar, while the Vampire Lord Randy will be returning to the series (note to self: download "Twilight 4" again for another review of the windowbox scene… that just never gets old), and Lindsay will be contributing the return of the dancing zombies from the original – seriously. She's got the moves down perfectly, and the singing, too.  
Yasmine is currently promoting her new line of pheromone enhancers, but plans to drop in on "the kids" from time to time while they are hard at work. Stephanie is still wandering the stars with her new fiancée, and Ahmed is off with his perma-girlfriend, doing another documentary, this time on Luna. Speaking of girlfriends and boyfriends, we hear April has a new beau but we promised not to say anything about a certain teen performer of classical music whose last performance on Ravinia II ended with a standing ovation, and the bouquet on his piano composed entirely of certain "Madonna Blue" American Beauty roses just like the ones that a certain Randy C. cultivates outside his estate. We did promise, so we won't say anything at all.

Randy staggered down the stairs, and leaned against the door where the kids where playing. "Lindsay, do you have any idea what happened to all the alcohol in the trailer?"  
Lindsay looked up from the extranet game she was playing with Val. "Oh, April used some of it to make a cake, but we used most of it to make some plastic explosives and launched a rocket into low orbit. It was pretty awesome," she grinned.  
"Yeah, you would have been there if you hadn't been passed out on the couch," said Val nastily.  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," said Randy with a pleasant grin. "So this is, like, your idea of an intervention, is it?"  
Lindsay shrugged. "That, and Val didn't believe that I could really make explosives with stuff lying around the kitchen."  
Randy laughed. He wasn't really into drinking, and he was more pleased to see that they cared. "If I buy you more, will you make another rocket?"  
"Sure, but Chris is better at it," she said casually. Lindsay pretended not to notice as Randy ran his hands through his hair, and looked away. "We'll need some more glycerin, too, if I take any more from the makeup bots, they'll freak."  
"Speaking of freak, where's Yasmine?" he asked calmly.  
Lindsay tried not to smile. Their staged reconciliation was getting great press, but sooner or later one of them was going to snap. "She went shopping with April."  
Val muttered something under his breath.  
"She's trying to make April dress nice, and stuff, so she can attract boys," Lindsay explained.  
Randy closed his eyes, and shook his head. "Poor kid. I think I'll go rescue her."  
"It'll be a great photo-op," said Lindsay brightly.  
"Take a shower first," snapped Val.  
"Oh, good point. Maxim did say that Eau de Hobo is out this season," grinned Randy, and Val laughed despite himself. "You two, don't forget to work on your scenes. I get to take a drink for every line you flub," he smiled wickedly, and laughed at the look on Val's face. Randy walked back upstairs to go shower and shave.  
Lindsay smiled openly as he left, and pulled up her omni-tool to make a few notes.  
"This plan of yours better work, Lin. I can't take much more of this," said Val grimly.  
"Trust me. It'll work."

 **GAG GAG GAG**  
 _Gagged but we'll try our best!_  
We're sure you're all dying to know everything that happened last night at the release party for "Thriller XIV" at the Bekenstein Copacabana. However, since it involved SUPER SECRET PEOPLE that we can't write about, all we can tell you is that Yasmine's single again. And unemployed. Anyone out there who wants a high-maintenance trophy wife with a penchant for noisy confrontations, contact us for her number once she gets out of the hospital.  
Remember, we can't WRITE anything about what happened, but if you want to take one of us out to dinner, we can TALK as much as you like!

The party was in full swing. Everyone was in a scary costume, ranging from undead to serial killers, werewolves to demons. Yasmine was resplendent in her outfit, dressed as the ghost of a drowned woman, her hair dripping and her silver dress clinging to every curve of her body. Randy watched her dance for a few minutes from his seat at the bar, then looked over to where the kids were dancing. He sipped idly at his soda - the party was completely alcohol-free, of course, as all PDN events were. April was dancing with her boyfriend, Val was holding court with a group of girls from one of the PDN daily shows, and Lindsay was dancing with someone dressed as a gang member. Randy blinked in surprise. The person she was dancing with was much older than she was, and looked vaguely familiar. Randy set down his drink and walked over to get a better look.  
"Here he comes," grinned Lindsay. "That didn't take long."  
"Hey, Lindsay," started Randy, and looked at the young man in gang clothes. His eyes went very wide as he finally recognized him.  
"Right back at ya," grinned Lindsay. "Air goes in the nose, Randy, then out again. You have to breathe, or you turn blue and pass out."  
"Vampires don't need to breathe, though," Chris pointed out. "The security sucks, by the way. All they scan for is guns."  
"What are you doing here?" Randy gasped. "And what the hell are you wearing?" He tried not to stare at Chris' exposed, tautly muscled midriff.  
"I'm dancing with my kid, what does it look like? And I'm wearing my uniform. Well, my gang uniform. Stop acting like you've never seen my bellybutton before," Chris grinned.  
"I've never seen you with a ring in it."  
"Military regs. You should see the other piercings," he said conversationally.  
Lindsay danced away, and wandered over to Val's little court. "You owe me five credits," she noted as Randy pulled Chris into his arms.  
"They haven't kissed yet. Oh, wait, yeah, they have. Here ya go," Val handed over a credit chit.  
"Woah, that is so hot!" gushed one of the girls. "Val, you need a boyfriend."  
"No way," Val laughed. "I'm all about the wimminz."  
"Damn," the girl sighed. "Oh well, we can watch Randy make out. Ohmigawd, here comes Yasmine!"  
"How dare you!" Yasmine shrieked at the top of her lungs. "You bastard! You cheating, miserable bastard!"  
Without thinking - and Lindsay knew he wasn't thinking - Randy put himself between Chris and Yasmine, as if he was protecting the soldier from the crazy model. Lindsay snickered to herself, and watched him stare her down, ignoring her yelling and screaming.  
"Knock it off," he hissed sharply at Yasmine. "Don't start with me."  
"You filthy cheating scumbag! I've had it! I've had it with you!" She slapped Randy across the face, hard enough to leave a mark, then spun on her heel and stormed out of the party.  
"Are you all right?" said Chris, shocked at her behavior. "I can't believe she hit you!"  
"Doesn't that trigger the divorce clause?" asked Val quietly.  
"Yeah, since she walked out on you?" Lindsay pointed out.  
Randy shook his head. "It was my fault, so, no."  
"No, it wasn't your fault," said April calmly. "After all, the contract specified 'her,' and well," she gestured towards Chris, "that isn't 'her.'"  
Randy looked at Chris in surprise, then back at his kids. "You set me up."  
"I had nothing to do with this!" Chris protested. "I'm just an innocent, scantily clad bystander."  
Val handed his father a comm unit. "Either way, you should probably call the lawyers before she calms down enough to."  
Randy looked at Chris again, then put his arm around his lover's waist, took the comm unit from his son, and retreated to a quieter section of the club to make his call.

 **Over the Hill? Or Grass is greener?**  
 _No longer a star, Randy turns producer!_  
Randy C. has turned over a new leaf, and moved to the other side of the tables. Now he's the one reading scripts and finding stars. He's branched out and blossomed, it seems! His first foray, the vampire harem comedy romance slice-of-life holovid, "Love Like Blood," starring his son Val, was an amazing success, and his new venture is taking him way, way out of his comfort zone – it's a translation of a Turian war epic to Humanity's Dark Ages, with a mixed cast of Human and Turian actors. Incredibly daring, but like everything else Randy touches, it will probably turn to gold.  
While April and her beau prepare to tie the knot later this year and Val is still trying on various women from his real-life harem, it seems that Little Lindsay - we know, she's not that little anymore, and we really should stop calling her that - still hangs out with the girls and dresses like a tomboy, even at fifteen, and still refuses to do any romance scenes. Horror is apparently okay though, so look for Lindsay in the new survival medico-legal horror adventure drama disaster slasher fic, "Serjury."

"Randy!" Hannah shrieked, and nearly jumped out of the water. "What are you doing?"  
Randy surfaced – or at least, the shark fin that he was wearing on his head did, and they could hear him ominously humming the "Jaws" attack theme.  
"You are such a goofball," Hannah complained. "Stop it." She screamed again, and thrashed out of the pool, trying to get away from Randy's teeth. "Stop!"  
Everyone laughed, and Randy swam over to bob up and laugh at Hannah. "Scared of a little blood?" he teased, in the deep voice he used for his vampire parts.  
Chris and Lindsay went back to throwing knives at a target, while Val continued the strenuous work of lying in the sun with his girlfriend.  
"Hey, isn't her time up?" grinned Lindsay. "Don't they get stale after an hour?"  
The girl giggled. "Gina's still in the shower, I get to stay here until she comes back out."  
Val opened his eyes to frown at Lindsay. "You think you're funny, but you're not."  
"I have millions of fans who disagree with you. I'm very funny."  
"Can't believe you bit me," muttered Hannah.  
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?" Randy offered.  
Hannah pushed him back under the water, then dove in after him.  
Randy surfaced again, "You know, people drown doing things like that - what the - " He disappeared in a rush of water, then came up again. "Help! Shark killing attack!" Hannah pulled him under again, and Lindsay shook her head in mock despair.  
"Stop being so happy," she chided. "This is supposed to be the worst year of your life! Why aren't you miserable?"  
Randy popped up again, Hannah sitting on his shoulders. "I am miserable! Look, this is my miserable face," he pretended to check his pockets. "Wait, no, I have in here somewhere... oh, right, no pockets. I left my miserable face in my other pants."  
Chris smiled in pleasure as Lindsay landed her knife directly next to his for the fifth time in a row. "Your training is almost complete, Grasshopper."  
"She's not ever going to use that," protested Hannah. "Why do you bother teaching her?"  
Chris shrugged. "She asked me."  
"I'm standing right here," muttered Lindsay.  
"You're not going into the military," said Hannah flatly.  
"Of course not," Lindsay agreed calmly. "Why would I?"  
Chris looked up at the sky, as if expecting a lightning bolt, then at Randy. "I'm planning to run, how about you?"  
"I'm serious, Lin," said Hannah firmly. "You have no reason to, and you deserve a better life. You've earned it."  
"Yeah," Randy disentangled himself from Hannah. "Let's see if we can find some ice cream, or something. Val?" He looked over, but Val and his girlfriend were already gone.  
Chris collected his knives and the target, and ran back to the house, with Randy close behind him.  
"Lindsay, we have talked about this. It's not happening. There is no way I'm going to give you permission to go to the Academy. You are not going to throw your life away fighting a stupid, endless war."  
"So instead I just have to sit around being a little leech on society, a little dancing puppet that laughs on command? I don't want to be a star anymore! I want to be useful! Why won't you just admit I'm good at fighting!"  
"Lin, you're good at everything. You shouldn't focus on the one skill that gets you killed."  
Lindsay was about to snap back at her mother, but suddenly the world did something strange. It sort of got fuzzy and greyish-green, and everything seemed to lose focus. Her face felt numb, and she wasn't sure if she could keep standing up, so she sat down before she fell over.  
"Lindsay? Lindsay!" Her mother ran up to her, but Lindsay couldn't figure out how to make words anymore. "Chris! Randy! Help!" She lifted Lindsay in her arms, and ran into the house, screaming orders.

 **Randy Charteris rumored to host major benefit for Mindoir survivors**  
Not content with the massive amount of money he's already raised for the survivors of the devastating attack on Mindoir, Randy C. is sponsoring a grand benefit performance, featuring hundreds of today's hottest musical bands, courtesy of Val's new recording label, and a silent auction with a stellar turnout from the various holovid studios. "Life must go on," Randy said, "and we all have to do our part to help out." It's possible that he might even host the grand gala himself, but no official word has come down.

"Hey."  
Hannah looked up in surprise, then threw herself into Randy's arms. "You're here!" she whispered joyfully. "Oh, thank you, thank you for coming," she sobbed.  
"Where else would I be, love?" His voice was soft and warm, and he continued to hold her gently to him while she cried. "They're going to start soon," he said softly.  
Hannah nodded sadly, and they joined the funeral procession to take their place near the monument. She held out her hand to Lindsay, but the girl shrugged her off. Hannah sighed, but left her alone.  
"She's not taking this well, is she?" said Randy softly.  
"No," said Hannah, trying not to sound as bitter as she felt. "She isn't, I'm not, we're not getting along, life sucks."  
He held Hannah to him, and kissed her cheek. They took their places by the gravestone, and stood silently during the service. Officers came up to offer condolences to Hannah, and Randy took Lindsay's arm and led her away. "Let's talk. Or, rather, you talk. I'll listen."  
"What's the point?" said Lindsay bitterly. "You know how she is. I can't leave her alone, she'll do something stupid."  
"Is there somewhere you want to go?" asked Randy gently. Lindsay had gotten taller later, filled out more. Like her mother, her shape was more about angles and planes than curves, but she had his face - softened slightly, pretty rather than beautiful. She was going to be tall. She was already strong. "How are the implants doing? Headaches better?"  
She nodded. "I want to go to the Academy," she whispered, barely daring to dream. "Chris and I had it all worked out. He was gonna talk her into it when he got back." For the first time that day, a tear welled up in her eyes.  
Randy smiled at the look in her eyes. He'd had that look once, a long time ago. "Did he already sign your papers and stuff?"  
Lindsay nodded again, trying to hold back her misery and loss.  
"Okay, go. I'll watch her. It'll be my job now. I know, I'm a shitty replacement for Chris, but I'll do my best."  
She stared at him. "But - your job - what about all your work?"  
"Eh, fuck 'em." Randy smiled. He stood up and hugged her. "He saved all those people, he died doing his job. And hundreds of those bastards walked away, instead of him. Go out there, and make it right, Lin. This is the only thing I can do to help, so I'll do it." He kissed her, and she threw her arms around him, sobbing wildly and happily.  
"I promise, Randy. I'll make it right!"


	3. Having a Ball

"Shepard," an instructor called out. Four students stepped forward. "I hate Spacer families," the instructor growled. "Shepard, L." Two students stepped back into line. The instructor looked down at her datapad, and raised an eyebrow. She walked over to the female Shepard - a tall, lean, muscular redhead with dark green eyes. "You're the one who wants to jump up two ranks in combat training?"  
"Yes, sir," she replied briskly.  
"Right, then," the instructor handed her an approval form. "Off you go, give some more fuel to that tradition of Spacer arrogance."  
"Yes, sir."  
The instructor chuckled, and the girl made her way down to the training room. She walked in and looked around at the students taking sparring tests with teaching assistants.  
"Ah, fresh meat," grinned the combat instructor in greeting. She handed over the approval form, and he walked her over to one of the last mats. "Phillips. You'll be sparring with this first year. If she stays standing for forty-five seconds, she gets to jump up to Advanced." The instructor waved her up, and she faced off with the TA.  
The instructor's eyes narrowed as he watched her fight. She was good. She was fast. Instead of holding him off, she put Phillips on the defensive. Phillips forgot that he was supposed to be fighting the clock, not the student. There was a sharp crack, and she hissed in pain, then shifted her left arm, tucking it into her belt as she dodged his blows. One of the other TAs moved to stop the fight, but the instructor raised a warning hand, watching them carefully. "She has eight more seconds," he said calmly.  
Phillips moved, but found himself being yanked backwards, and thrown off the mat. The instructor dusted off his hands. "Atwakeni, escort young Shepard here to Medical so she can get that arm looked at. Shepard, I've updated your schedule. Make sure the move doesn't cause any conflicts before classes start. Phillips, you're no longer a TA in my class. You're also no longer qualified as an instructor. Sign up for recertification."  
"She tried to kill me!" Phillips burst out.  
"You noticed that, did you?" said the instructor humorlessly. "Well, next time you find yourself that outclassed by a student," he said, stressing the word, "step off the mat. If you ever find yourself that outclassed in the real world, shoot yourself. Because if you don't, I'll shoot you myself. Now get out of here before the certification classes are all filled." The instructor shook his head, and glanced over at the door where Atwakeni was helping Shepard through the doors. "She is going to be trouble," he smiled. "The best kind."

"Hello, students," smiled the instructor. He was a broad-shouldered man, medium height, with a deep scar furrowing the left side of his face. "Welcome to the primary section of the sniper course. I know the syllabus has a block of incomprehensible text about learning how to handle weapons safely and within the rule of law. I think they even threw in there some crap about supporting your team. If you're really interested in that, you're going to be very disappointed, and you may want to move to the second section, 'Sniping for Dummies.' This is not the class for people who want to focus on teamwork and long-range support. This is the class for people who want to kill people. Quietly. Quickly. Efficiently. This is a class for people who have… an intimate relationship with their weapons."  
The instructor looked around the room, carefully checking the reactions of the students. "In case you're still confused and think you're in the wrong class, the door is that way," he pointed, and two of the students walked out quietly. He paced back and forth in front of the line of silent Academy students. "Fuck, it's getting harder to weed out you people. I set my bar high, and if you don't meet it, I will beat you with it until you leave or get tough enough to stand up. Oh, did I mention, this is not a class where you will have a caring pedagogic relationship with your instructor in an atmosphere of trust and mutual respect? This is a class where you will prove to me that you are worthy to handle the most beautiful things ever given to Humanity. You," he stopped in front of one of the new kids from Earth, "what's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"  
The student stammered before finally blurting out, "Sunset over Lake Michigan, sir."  
"Pretty colors? That's all it takes for you, boy? You're fucking pathetic," said the instructor with barely concealed disgust, and walked away. "Too much to expect that someone like you has ever seen a real naked ass in your bed, but still. Pretty colors." He sighed, and some of the other students smiled, others held back laughter. He stopped in front of the one student who hadn't responded at all. "Not interested in sunsets, babe? What about you? Got a pretty image to contribute?"  
"Spec level X Volkov Sniper from Rosenkov Materials, equipped with corresponding spec scram rail and kinetic coil, sir."  
There was a pause before he answered. "I know you're just pandering to my interests, but damn, that shit is hot," the instructor breathed softly. "Ammo?"  
"High explosive rounds, sir."  
The instructor closed his eyes, and looked away from her for a moment. "That's not even legal, and you know it. I might need some alone time if I think about that too long." He looked at her again. "I must warn you, I may be masturbating to that image later on today, if I can even find that in their catalog." He held back a laugh as another student walked out.  
"It's in the restricted section, sir. Third screen in. Right after the Titan Heavy armor."  
"Have you really seen a Volkov?" he demanded.  
"My mom once did a favor for the Blue Suns, sir. They let her borrow it for a few days."  
"I would have cried like a little girl when I had to give that beauty back," he sighed. "So, your mommy lets you look at her guns? Why weren't you out playing with your dollies?"  
She smiled for the first time. "I like to play with heavy cannons, sir. Not dolls."  
A few more students snuck out of the room while they were talking. "Military family, I take it. I like you. So," he smiled, "let's see if we can get rid of some more of these spineless wimps. My new dream is have a class with just you, me, and a whipping boy. My dreams never come true," he sighed. "Line up, let's see how you little bitches handle a real weapon," he ordered. "New favorite student, bring a rifle out here." He pulled up his omni-tool and started the firing range protocols. He smiled in amusement as she walked right over to the weapons lockers without being told where they were. She pulled out the stock Hahne-Kedar rifle and the ammo case, and brought it back to where he was waiting. "Thanks," he smiled. "We don't use names in this class, by the way. I think I'll call you Sunshine, for your warm and friendly personality."  
She didn't react, and he kept smiling.  
"I don't care what you do outside this room, but in here you will play by my rules, if you plan to pass." He glanced over the line of students. "Am I understood?"  
"Yes, sir," most of the students replied. One ran for the door.  
"Stupid whore," muttered the instructor. "Let's get some shooting done. Everyone gets one shot at the target." He handed the rifle to the student who had talked about the sunset. "You go first, Pollyanna."  
The student raised the rifle to his shoulder.  
"Are you fucking retarded, Pollyanna?" He slammed the ammo case into the boy's chest. "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to hand you a loaded weapon? Never treat a weapon like that again, boy. That's practically spousal abuse, in my eyes. You treat that rifle with respect, or you can get out of here and find yourself a desk job, maggot."  
Blushing brightly, the student loaded the rifle properly, and got ready to take a shot at the target.  
"What do you think, Sunshine?" he asked as the student pulled the trigger.  
"Miss, sir."  
The shot slammed into the white space of the target, and there was some tittering from the other students, as well as a few impressed looks at the girl.  
With a wide smile, he called another student up, and watched him load the rifle. "So, Sunshine, who in your family told you what to expect from sniper training?"  
"My dad, sir." she replied. "Hit."  
The second student's shot landed near the left eye of the target.  
"It counts as a kill, but that's sloppy. Still better than Pollyanna," he said approvingly. "Not that it would take much to beat coloring book boy. What nickname did your Daddy get slapped with?" Another student slipped out of the room.  
"He went by 'Tweety,' sir." The instructor looked at her curiously. "He tawt he taw a puddy tat," she explained, in a perfect deadpan. The unexpected humor made everyone in the room laugh.  
The instructor shook his head, "Deplorable lack of control. Come up here, Sunshine, I want to see you keep humiliating your classmates."  
"May I fire more than one shot, sir?" she asked as she loaded the weapon.  
"Well, since you asked so nicely, I don't see why not."  
A fresh target rolled down, and she fired three shots in rapid succession, then a blur of shots that almost overheated the rifle. There was stunned silence as they realized that she had drawn a perfect smiley face with her shots.  
The instructor looked at her. "Did you skip a year before starting the Academy?"  
"Yes, sir," she answered calmly.  
"Well," he said slowly, "I believe I knew your daddy, Sunshine. He's the reason I'm alive to teach today, instead of being just another body bag on Mindoir."  
"I hope the trade was worth it, sir."  
The other students stared at her in shock.  
He just smiled, approving. "I hope so too, Sunshine. My plan is to turn out a new crop of people just like your daddy to go up against the scumfucking aliens that hit our colonies. Does that sound like a good plan to you, Sunshine?"  
"I don't want to be just like my dad, sir." She looked at the instructor. "I want to live."

 **[Radio transcript]**  
_“All right, everybody! It’s time for some football! Who’s ready? Listen to that crowd, Wilkins! I think they’re ready. Let’s get this ball rolling!”_  
_“Hey, hey, thanks for tuning in, folks! This is James Wilkins, up in the booth, announcing today’s game with my main man Marshall Hinoshi by my side. Today’s looking like a great game! We’ve got the Academy facing off against… some team that doesn’t have Shepard. This is going to suck, isn’t it? Marshall, why is the other team’s announcer making such rude gestures at me? Did I offend? What have I done wrong?”_  
_“Let’s just get back to the game. Okay, we’ve got a ball, some players, some action is happening… oh look, three seconds in and Shepard just flattened someone and has the ball. Just like every other game this season.”_  
_“You know, I heard a rumor that Shepard was a woman.”_  
_“No kidding? I heard a rumor that Shepard was Human.”_  
_“That’s not a rumor. It's actually true, but only when the moon is full.”_  
_“Was that an interception? What the hell just happened? Did they get testicular implants? When did the Colonials grow balls?”_  
_“Oh, oh, recovered! Second-year Academy hotshot Hawke has the ball! He makes a pass, it’s good! Right into the arms of our war goddess. Shepard has it. Again. That's the game, then. No way they're going to recover from that.”_  
_“They're still running around. But they can’t possibly have the stones to try another recovery. Why don’t they just lie down?”_  
_“Look at that, the Pack is clearing the way for her.”_  
_“They're not clearing the way, they're saving those poor, innocent linebackers from harm. Have you ever been hit by Shepard?”_  
_“No, no, no, my insurance only covers getting hit by sledgehammers. Acts of Shepard are specifically excluded.”_  
_“Jesus, look at her run.”_  
_“My eyes don't move that fast. His might.”_  
_“Fear not, my son, we can replay it in slow motion later.”_  
_“Speaking of slow motion, there goes Nicios. That looks painful.”_  
_“Oh, God, you could see him change his mind mid-intercept. He should learn to think faster.”_  
_“He should learn to dodge faster.”_  
_“He should learn to play football.”_  
_“When Shepard's on the field, he should learn to play dodgeball.”_  
_“Heh, the other team's announcer is giving us the finger.”_  
_“What is the other team's name again? I get so used to calling them 'The Losers' in my head.”_  
_“Isn't that what you call every team?”_  
_“When they're playing against Shepard, yes.”_  
_“Now he’s giving us both fingers.”_  
_“So long as their players keep giving us the ball, I'm okay with that.”_  
_“Aw, I think you hurt his feelings. You might even have broken his poor widdle heart!”_  
_“Pfft, at least we didn't break anything that matters.”_  
_“Like what? The record for straight wins against the College?”_  
_“Okay, now they are really crying. They’re going to report us, aren’t they?”_  
_“My family is three generations of military. I can cover the fine. We’re good.”_  
_“Maybe they shouldn’t have let two Spacer brats do the announcing?”_  
_“Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to bring up how my uncle is an instructor.”_  
_“Well, so is mine.”_  
_“So…. Go Academy?”_  
_“43-0.”_

“Dr. Ware, how do you answer these charges?”  
Kiyo Ware was standing at attention, facing the Ethics Review board but not looking at them. His class was sitting in the gallery, watching. The board had given them permission to attend the proceedings, in hope they would help provide evidence of his supposed wrongdoing. Apparently, the board didn’t know his class very well. They’d all come a long way from the first days on the shooting range.  
“Well,” he drawled, “I think these charges border on insulting. I suggest you hale whoever brought them before you up here instead of me, because they are responsible for wasting a whole lot of this institution’s time and money.”  
“Could you please answer the charges in the proper form?”  
Dr. Ware tried not to roll his eyes. “I completely and categorically deny all the charges brought against me, specifically and most emphatically the claim that I am involved in an improper relationship with any of my students. Such an action would be beneath me, both as a member of the Alliance Military and as an instructor of this Academy.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “More to the point, I recognize and admit the importance of Lindsay Shepard to my life. She is not only my favorite student, but she is, quite frankly, the main reason I am still teaching. If it wasn’t for her encouragement, I never would have completed my doctorate. The main reason I did it is obviously so I can be promoted to being a military advisor when she completes her course of training.” He grinned. “But that’s a pretty foul reason to presume an improper relationship, don’t you think?” Kiyo met the eyes of his accusers for the first time. They were far more uncomfortable than he was.  
“We have some other reasons,” said the head of the board aggressively. “For instance, we have reports of Shepard leaving your room at extremely suggestive hours.”  
“Do you really?” drawled Dr. Ware. “Care to share?” This was the data he had been waiting for. The screen in front of him flickered, showing footage from an Academy security camera in the hallway near his quarters. A trim, slender figure, the same general height and build as Lindsay Shepard but wearing a concealing sweatshirt and an ugly civilian cap stepped out of his room, and paused at the door. Kiyo watched himself lean over to give the figure a quick kiss. There was a brief exchange, but the screens in this room had no audio. There was another kiss and the figure walked quickly down the hallway, making sure that the hat covered all possible facial features before walking past the camera, resulting in a large “FACIAL RECOGNITION FAILURE” on the screen before the recording ended.  
Dr. Ware grinned to himself, and rewound the recording just far enough to check the timestamp again.  
“Well?”  
“Well, you certainly have evidence that someone was in my rooms, theoretically after curfew,” Kiyo admitted. He tapped the time stamp. “But if you’re going to hinge your case on this, you have something of a problem. A problem by the name of Stella Cartwright, to be precise.” He smiled as he saw some of the committee members look at each other in confusion. “Third year, Military Intelligence, N7. And, head of the cheerleading squad.” He tapped the screen, which he had paused on the last timestamp. “This was a football game day. Shepard, as to be expected of someone of her training and nature, not only won the game, but seeing as how she is the school’s star football player, naturally went home with the most beautiful woman on the field - Stella. I’m pretty sure you have that on the cameras, seeing as how that victory celebration was broadcast all over the Alliance. I also know for a fact I didn’t leave my room at all that day. I spent it in bed, listening to the game on the radio. So until you find footage from the same day showing Shepard entering my room after the game - which you won’t - you need a better example.” Dr. Ware looked at them. They all looked completely blindsided. “And once again, I repeat that the person you have evidence of leaving my room is not a student, and there is nothing particularly improper about our relationship.” He thought he heard Lindsay snicker from the gallery, and grinned to himself.  
“So you recognize the person in the recording?”  
Dr. Ware choked back his first two comments, and settled for just nodding in agreement. Now he could clearly hear some of his students trying to stifle amused laughter. “Of course I do. But I’m an Alliance Military officer, and a gentleman. I will not sacrifice someone else’s career just to protect what’s left of my reputation. You don’t need to know a name, you just need to know that’s not one of my students.”  
“Prove it,” snapped one of the examiners.  
“I’m sorry, I was under the impression that was your job. But if you insist, I suppose I can prove that every single one of my students was somewhere other than my room at the time in question. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the security logs for all the other students on campus. But I’m willing to bet my career that not a single one will be traced to my room at the time in question. Hell, I’ll even go all the way and bet that you won’t ever be able to trace one to my room at any time outside of classroom and normal visiting hours, let alone after curfew. Go ahead, give it a shot.”  
“Dr. Ware, were you entertaining a civilian in your quarters after curfew?”  
“That is completely irrelevant to the issue at hand, and I decline to answer,” Dr. Ware answered calmly.  
“Irrelevant?”  
“Of course it is,” Dr. Ware replied, trying his best not to smirk. “If you’re going to throw a fit about a civilian being somewhere they weren’t supposed to be, that means you have to charge the person responsible for forgetting to account for said civilian on the grounds after curfew. And that is not my responsibility, is it? I am a professor for the N7 training program, and you are accusing me of sleeping with one of my students and giving said student preferential treatment in exchange for sexual favors. So stop talking in circles and get this over with.”  
“So you deny that you are having any kind of affair with Shepard.”  
“Ma’am,” said Dr. Ware with exaggerated weariness, “I lack the essential components necessary to please Shepard. A fact that the barest examination of her social contacts would have made abundantly clear, by the way.”  
“What?”  
“I don’t coddle my students by explaining my jokes, ma’am, and I’m certainly not going to explain it to you. So for the record: I am not having an affair with Lindsay Shepard.”  
“Duly noted.” There was some typing. “And you deny that you give Shepard any preferential treatment?”  
“Are we counting the preferential treatment that all professors give their star students who go above and beyond the call of mere academic prowess? Because my life goal is to train students who will win this damn war, and my success with Shepard makes me positively giddy most of the time, and it shows,” he said dryly. “But if you’re talking about that thing where guys let pretty women lead them around by the dick, then no, Shepard and my dick have nothing in common and no relationship whatsoever.”  
There was some brief whispered discussion among the members of the Ethics Committee.  
“Dicks,” Kiyo muttered under his breath, and he could hear Lindsay snicker.  
“The review board finds no evidence that Dr. Ware is involved in an improper relationship with one of his students or any other student at the Academy,” said the head of the board finally. “All ethical concerns with Dr. Ware’s behavior have been addressed satisfactorily.”  
Dr. Ware held his tongue, and bowed politely before carefully walking out of the room to wait for his class to make their way out of the gallery.  
“That was very educational, sir,” said Lindsay with a perfectly straight face.  
“Was it? I thought it was a bit remedial myself,” he drawled. “What did you learn, Sunshine?”  
“I learned that I need to kill that camera in the hallway outside your room.”  
“That would be nice,” Kiyo agreed. “How about the rest of you? Did you peanuts learn anything from your gallery?”  
“Well,” grinned one student, “we learned student N7s are better at preparing evidence than the entire Ethics Review board.”  
Dr. Ware grinned. “Teamwork is key.”  
“Think they’ll ever figure it out?” asked Stella, who was clinging to Lindsay, who was pretending not to notice the girl on her back.  
“Well, they are missing an essential piece of the puzzle,” grinned Dr. Ware. “I’m not going to hold out much hope.”  
“If those morons couldn’t figure out I’m a raging lesbian, they have no way to even start figuring out who the Doc has been screwing.” Lindsay looked innocently at her teacher. “By the way, we’re still on for the movies tonight, right? Val wants to make sure the opening night is well-attended.”


	4. Having a Blast

Lindsay looked curiously at her half-brother.  “Did you ever have sex with Chris?”

Val quickly shook his head, then smiled, admitting defeat.  “But I wanted to, yeah.  Dad’s relationship with him and your mom was so great.  I was jealous.  I stuck with girls because I didn’t want to settle for anything less.”

“So… gay for medals?”  Lindsay suggested, perfectly straight-faced.

“I’m right here, you know,” grumbled Kiyo.  He was slightly red, either from blushing at Val’s declaration or from struggling with the strip of cloth around his wrists that was binding him to the headboard of the bed.  “Can’t you two have a heart to heart later?”

“I need your password,” said Val calmly.  “Lin, make this work.”  He handed over Kiyo’s omnitool, then leaned over to give Kiyo a quick kiss.

“That’s mine,” said Kiyo sharply, after accepting the kiss.  “Do I play with your things, Sunshine?”

“Her things have boobs,” said Mae, Lindsay’s newest conquest.  “I finished the reports for you, sir.”  She was also Dr. Ware’s executive assistant.

“Why, thank you,” Kiyo grinned.  “I don’t suppose there’s anything you can do about these two maniacs?” he asked hopefully.

“No, sir, sorry, sir.” Mae smiled apologetically, then sat down on the couch to finish filing papers.

“If you didn’t want me to sleep with  your secretary, you wouldn’t have picked one who was so cute and so stacked,” Lin pointed out.  “Here, it’s unlocked.  Why do you need access to his omnitool?”

“Because he is an untrusting little pest,” snapped Kiyo.  “I was still working out the details, Val.”

Val ignored his lover’s comments and continued poking around in Kiyo’s omnitool.  “Why do you have so many pictures of me?” he grumbled.  “You’re a fetishist, seriously.  Here it is.  Diplomatic attendance, minimal security, Batarians - unarmed?  Are you nuts, Kiyo?  Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“Unarmed?”  Lindsay grabbed the omnitool so she could see for herself.  “Okay, Doc, what the fuck is this?”

Kiyo rolled his eyes.  “There’s a half-finished report in my drawer for you, Sunshine.  Contrary to whatever crazy idea Val has in his pretty head, I was not going to go without telling you about it.  They needed volunteers to meet up with some Batarian extremists.  I happen to be perfect for the position.  I can explain what they’re going to talk about, and as a wounded, battered, beaten old hulk, I pose absolutely no threat to the other party.”

“He’s being sarcastic, right?” asked Val, glaring at Kiyo.

“Yes,” Lindsay confirmed.  “He’s also being a dick.”

“That’s why he’s tied up.”

“This is false advertising, by the way,” Kiyo pointed out.  “I was made certain promises.”

“The night’s still young,” Val and Lindsay pointed out in perfect synchronization.

Mae shivered.  “I love it when they do that.  What the heck is a Batarian extremist, anyway?”

“One who says he wants peace.”  Kiyo rolled his eyes.  “And our idiots want to at least listen.  Never heard such a pack of unmitigated bullshit in my life.”

“Then why are you going?” demanded Val.

“Well,” grinned Kiyo, “because the other people they were considering don’t have all the assets I have.”  He nodded at Lindsay.  “They think it might be a trap.  I know it is, and I intend to get information out of those quadruple eyed alien bastards whether they want to tell me or not.  I just need time to set it up.”

“But they keep changing the date,” protested Val.  His voice sounded strained.  “You can’t go.”

“Not alone, no.  And you’re right,” said Kiyo reluctantly.  “I do need to bring her in.  I was trying to get everything ready first but I don’t have time.  Grab that notebook from my drawer, Sunshine.  Let’s get to work.”

“Should I untie you?” asked Val, but the look in his eyes clearly showed that he didn’t want to.

“Nah, I’m good.  Provided my torso isn’t disturbing Sunshine from concentrating on her work, that is.”

“Huh?”  Lindsay looked down, and realized that Dr. Ware was shirtless.  “You look like one of those old art statue things.”

“My pride as a man has taken a severe blow,” he said dryly.  “Anyway, the meet is on a place called Torfan.”

Lindsay looked at the notebook, flipping through the notes and documents that her mentor had already gathered about the upcoming diplomatic mission.  “Hold on, I’m going to call a few other people to make a team.”

“Seriously, Sunshine?  Can I get a shirt then?”

“No,” said Val petulantly, and snuggled up to Kiyo.  “I’m just going to lie here and listen to music.  Tell me if you need money for anything.”  He put in his earphones and closed his eyes.  “Don’t you dare untie him.”

“I don’t get paid enough for that,” muttered Mae.

Lindsay ignored the position and started asking about the other attendees.  Mae got up to answer the door as the rest of the N7s showed up one by one.  It said something about Dr. Ware’s teaching methods that no one questioned why their advisor and former instructor was tied to the bed with a galactic movie star resting on him.  It said much about the current state of the galaxy that they were more concerned with killing pirates.

 

**The Heroes’ Welcome**

_Modern Military Marriage for Val Charteris?_

I’m sure everyone has heard about the amazing Theshaca Raids by now, but did you know it actually started with a top secret mission to uncover all that information?  Did you know it was all organized by our very own N7, former child star Lindsay Shepard with the help of the decorated war hero Commander Kiyo Ware?  Of course not!  You’re not Val Charteris, so how would you know all about that?  What’s that?  You want to know how Val knew about it since he isn’t in the military?  Well, to be fair, he didn’t really know what they were planning.  He was just worried because Lin was taking his lover into the most dangerous mission ever.

What?  You didn’t know about that?  WELL NEITHER DID WE.

Try to imagine the shocked noise that everyone made when Val suddenly appeared, following Hannah and Randy.  I mean, sure, Hannah would be there.  Her daughter was coming home to a slew of medals after her kickass mission.  And Randy goes where she goes.  But we had no idea why Val was there, or why Val looked like he’d been crying his eyes out.  (Val is gorgeous when he cries by the way.)  The shuttle landed, Lin jumped down.  Clearly her wounds had been overstated.  She reached up to help Cmdr. Ware down - he looked pretty beat up, but he was standing.  And then BOOM Val goes running past everyone, right through the guards (who moved out of his way, by the way - almost like they had been expecting him, hrrrrrrm!) and pounced on Cmdr. Ware.

Color me shocked!

But that was nothing compared to the look on Randy’s face, or Hannah’s!  I think Randy’s jaw actually fell off at one point.  He looked at Lin, who just shrugged.  You know the shrug.  Val was still too busy clinging to his military sweetheart to notice his dad… or the paparazzi… or the other officers… the rain… pretty much anything.  He only had eyes for Kiyo Ware.  Someone finally brought over a crowbar and got enough room to get Cmdr. Ware on a gurney so he could go in for medical treatment, all with Val still clinging to his hand.  The two of them zipped off to the hospital, leaving Randy and Hannah and the rest of the world trying to get answers from Lindsay.

 

“What… how….”  Randy watched the ambulance pull away.

“Is he going to be okay?” Hannah asked the nearest medic.

“Two cracked ribs, minor contusions, superficial knife wounds, possible concussion.  He’ll need bed rest but he should be fine.”

Lindsay tapped out a quick message on her omnitool.

Randy looked at her.  “Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”

“What do you think I’m doing?”

“I think you’re sending a message to Val telling him that Commander Ware - who is old enough to be his father - needs rest.”

“He knows how old Kiyo is,” said Lindsay casually.

“If you could let me get to your bullet wounds, ma’am?”

Lindsay glared at the medic.

“What?”  Randy stared at her.  “You’re hurt?”

Lindsay pulled off her jacket, revealing a bloody stain on her upper arm.  “It’s not bad, and you need to catch him, mom.”

“Randy!”  Hannah quickly kept Randy from toppling over.  “Young lady, you have a lot of answering to do!”  Medics interfered with her plan of harassing Lindsay and helped her carry Randy over to a cot to recover.

Lindsay considered using this chance to sneak away, but instead followed her mother with a heavy sigh.  The medic following her continued cutting away her shirt and talking about the bullet hole in her arm.  Lindsay sat down on a nearby table so Randy would see her as soon as he opened his eyes again.

“What the hell is going on?” demanded Hannah.

“How many movies have you done in his place?” asked Randy weakly as he opened his eyes.

Lindsay grinned at her father.  “You’re good with your eyes.”  She smiled at the both of her parents.  “We just switched around for a few days at a time, so he could be with Kiyo.”

“You’ve been doing this for years,” said Randy, slowly realizing.  “You just dye your hair and be Val, and he could just put on a hat and be you.”

“We both look like you, after all,” Lindsay grinned.

“Which says something weird about Commander Ware’s taste in men,” Randy pointed out.

“Commander Ware should have known better,” said Hannah coldly.

“List the number of people who have ever resisted Val chasing after them,” said Lindsay dryly.

Randy stared at her.  “Val - what?”

“So is this some weird experiment on Val’s part, or what?  I’m pretty sure I’ve heard him say he only likes women on more than one occasion,” said Hannah sharply.  “In fact, every time it’s ever come up.”

Lindsay shrugged.  “If it’s just a phase, it’s been going on for about six years.  I think that’s enough data, don’t you?”

“Six -”

“And frankly, I’ve been the one dating most of Val’s girlfriends.  Val only uses them for arm candy these days, because he gets better press that way.”  Lindsay glared at Randy.  “Something we all learned really well.  But I guess when it came down to it, snuggling the person you love is more important than press.”

“Does he want to quit?” asked Randy.

Lindsay shrugged.  “Hell if I know.  He wasn’t supposed to be here, but I think - I think he got really scared.”  She looked at her mother.  “Honestly, I’m a little offended that he didn’t have more faith in me.  I promised I would bring Kiyo back to him.”

“I’m done, Lt. Shepard.”  The medic stepped away, and Lindsay jumped off the table again.

“Thanks, Ulli.  I’m going to go deal with the brass now.  I’ll talk to you guys later.”

“When did our little girl turn into leadership material, Hannah?”

Hannah punched Randy in the arm.  “This is your fault, Randy.”

Randy smiled at her.  “No, I don’t think it is.  I think it’s our fault,” he said, stressing the word.  “All of us.”


End file.
